This isn’t a before-and-after story. It’s a winding journey through disordered eating, diet culture, and finally deep, soul-level healing through Christ. I’m not writing from a place of perfection, but of progress.
Ever since I was a little girl, I was always told that I did not meet society’s standards, whether it was from friends or even family. As an Asian, you probably know what that’s like.
Always being told that I was gaining weight, that my waistline was too big for an 8-year-old, or that I’d never be pretty enough for anyone to like.
As an impressionable child, that kind of talk sticks. And it did.
Let me speed through my entire messy health journey from childhood, teenage years, young adulthood, and where I am now.
“Sayang”: Childhood Years
I was the cute, chubby little girl, called “sayang” (too bad). Pretty but pudgy. People said it like being a healthy kid was somehow ugly. And I was also bullied for other things at school, which didn’t help.
One moment I remember vividly: I was at a flower girl dress fitting, and someone remarked, “What?! That’s your waistline? That was mine in my 20s!” I was 7 or 8. I didn’t understand then, but that comment stuck hard.
I tried TaeBo. I did Claudia Schiffer’s upper body workouts. I hiked, played volleyball and table tennis, joined camps. But no matter how active I was, I was always labeled “chubby.”
Laughing Along While Dying Inside: Teenage Years
By then, I knew I wasn’t the skinniest girl. Some days I was conscious of it. Other days I’d shrug it off. I kept myself busy with school, church, and friends. But my body matured early, and that, plus not being slim, made me look bigger. The boys noticed. I laughed along. But inside, it stung.
I still didn’t understand nutrition. I just kept moving. Eventually, we moved to China.
Blouse, Mirror, Breakdown: Young Adulthood
Beijing gave me a break. The church and theater communities there were lovely and supportive. The only cutting remarks came from family, and I had grown numb to them (kind of).
But things changed when I returned to the Philippines, got into a serious relationship… and it ended. One day, I dressed up for a country club invite. I put on my favorite blouse, looked in the mirror, and didn’t recognize myself.
I saw someone ugly. Fat. Unworthy.
And I cried.
Nothing Tastes as Good as “Skinny” Feels: EDNOS & Thinspos
That breakdown didn’t spark healing, it pushed me into an eating disorder.
Online, all I could find were dangerous “thinspos.” I ended up eating less than 500 calories a day, doing cardio for over an hour, and learning to purge during social meals. I genuinely believed:
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
Did I lose weight?
Yes.
Did I feel beautiful?
Absolutely not.
My self-image was destroyed.
I even started a blog glorifying this lifestyle, convincing others to join me. I did the Master Cleanse. Took laxative-based slimming pills. Lost weight, but still saw the same fat girl in the mirror.
Discovering Blogilates and a Glimmer of Health: FITSPO Phase
While scrolling for more thinspos, I stumbled upon something new: FITSPO. Women who were fit, healthy, confident.
At first, I hated it. Where were the thigh gaps and collar bones? But eventually, I admired them. I found Blogilates and paired it with Jillian Michaels’ 30-Day Shred. I went vegetarian.
I started dancing with a company, and even though I felt better, I was still insecure. The other girls were long and lean. I… was a Pidgeot 😹. But at least I was trying.
The Bodybuilder Era (and Too Many Eggs)
Back in the Philippines for university, I went full-on gym girl. Got a trainer. Aimed to be bikini competition-ready. Ate chicken breast, sweet potatoes, 12–14 eggs a day, 6–7 meals. Took supplements. I was strong. I felt amazing.
But I hated the diet. It wasn’t healthy. And despite all the muscle I gained, I still saw a distorted version of myself. Family who once called me fat now said I looked “too muscular.”
Eventually, school caught up. I stopped training. And boom, weight rebound in RECORD TIME. My body had had enough.
Enter Biohacking
I found biohacking. It was fascinating, if a bit nerdy at first. I tried cold showers, ice plunges, grounding, avoiding seed oils, blue light blockers, sun gazing, breathwork.
And it helped! I wasn’t getting sick as often. My energy improved. I lost some weight. My mindset lightened. I wasn’t skinny, but I was well.
I loved how biohacking made me feel more in tune with my body. It wasn’t about chasing a number on the scale anymore. It was about working with my body’s rhythms and nourishing it from the inside out. I started going to bed earlier, waking up with the sun, drinking clean water, and making better food choices not out of fear, but out of respect.
It felt like for the first time, I wasn’t fighting my body, I was finally listening to it.
But was I happy?
Milktea, Meh, & Mayhem: COVID & Aftermath
Then 2020 hit.
Like many others, the pandemic disrupted everything I had been rebuilding. Quarantine took its toll…mentally, physically, emotionally. I was stuck at home, ordering in every day, drinking more milk tea than I care to admit, barely moving. I was in survival mode.
And slowly, without noticing it, I stopped caring.
My clothes didn’t fit. I avoided mirrors I DIDN’T EVEN TAKE MUCH PHOTOS. I shrugged off the weight gain. “What’s the point?” I thought. The world was falling apart, and honestly, so was I.
When lockdowns ended, I didn’t bounce back immediately. In fact, the emotional aftermath hit me even harder. I lost relationships, routines, and the fragile structure I had built. The biohacking, the fitness, the progress. It all fell away. I was back to square one, but with the added weight of grief and apathy.
I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t depressed. I was just… “meh.”
I floated through life like a shell of myself, sad, ugly, fat. Or so I believed. I stopped dreaming. I stopped trying. I was numb.
But little did I know…Someone was still working behind the scenes.
Jesus Came When I Wasn’t Looking
I wasn’t even searching for Jesus.
But He found me anyway.
I didn’t have some dramatic conversion in my darkest hour. In fact, life was starting to look up. And still, He pursued me. I returned to the fold of my Shepherd, not because I was desperate, but because He was determined.
Here We Are Now
Since recommitting my life to Christ, He’s healed so much. Made me whole in ways I didn’t know I needed.
Now I’m ready to clean out His temple, fix it up, and honor it the way it was meant to be.
It’s me. Hi. I’m the temple. It’s me
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
1 Corinthians 6:19–20
I’m claiming victory over gluttony, self-hate, and years of mistreating my body. I want to be healthy not for vanity, but as an act of worship.
I’m not at optimal health (yet). But I believe God led me here, so I can finally do it right.
So here I am. Ready to share this part of my journey with anyone who wants to listen.
Have you ever felt like your body was too far gone? Or that healing was for someone else? I’d love to hear your story—feel free to comment or message me. You’re not alone.
